Welcome to a love letter, a monthly publication from artist, writer and well-being teacher Colby Mackenzie featuring stories of my loving practices and support for yours. Thanks for being here.
Hello loves!
How are we!?
Deep breath in, deep breath out.
For the past few weeks I’ve been so distracted and overwhelmed, I’ve had no idea what to write. It’s very distracting when you have no idea if and when you and/or your partner will lose your jobs for no performance-based reason, especially when income is the starting point of survival at our age and in this country. But, the title of this newsletter keeps bringing me back to center amidst the chaos - LOVE. The purpose of this letter is to remind myself of it, to be it, and all will be well. To remind me and whoever else choosing to listen that love is at the heart of creative recovery and the answer to what ails us. To stick to my creative recovery no matter what.
I come back to the definition of love and the pillars of it.
The first pillar of love, according to bell hooks’ All About Love, is TRUTH.
And sometimes, the truth hurts baby.
The TRUTH is that right now I am already witnessing the most outlandish acts of cruelty, hypocrisy, and stupidity in my professional capacity in the executive branch of the federal government I hope to ever experience in my lifetime, which I say in the most unbiased, objective way possible.
The TRUTH is that most Americans have no idea how the executive branch actually works, the management of which is one of the few central functions of the President. Americans will always pay, however, when it is not working.
The TRUTH is I am an independent because both of our political parties have failed the majority, or at least half, of all Americans for the past decade (or longer, depending on who you are).
The TRUTH is that the United States is not #1 in any significant area of measurement worldwide (literacy, longevity, environmental, social justice, health outcomes, economics, etc), which will only continue to worsen as we eat each other alive and sling our egos around a very interconnected world that seems very sick of us.
The TRUTH is that I am experiencing an unprecedented amount of rage personally for multiple reasons, and the truth is that anger is a very powerful, very loyal friend when used correctly.
The TRUTH is I am sick of my own apathy and excuses.
The TRUTH is all about saying just what the fuck you want and need to say. Even if it’s just pouring the uglies into your journal for your eyes only, because we are all about kindness too. (see the concept Radical Candor for expressing your truth to others - not brutal honesty, or front-stabbing, but caring personally while challenging directly).
In The Artist’s Way, our resident bible of healthy creative recovery, Julia Cameron talks about the Virtue Trap. It is the trap of being “good”. This is essentially the habit of people pleasing, which I have excelled at my entire 35 years on planet earth. Yes sir, no sir, sure I don’t mind, sure I’ll do this thing for you because I’m a good person even though I don’t feel the reciprocation from you, sure I’ll swallow your repeated disrespect, sure I will censor myself until what I say is nothing. It is essentially lies.
No. That is waste of your time on this planet. My time. Our time. One of my favorite exercises in The Artist’s Way - because it is a very fun workbook after all - is jotting down notes to the question:
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU DID NOT HAVE TO BE GOOD ALL THE TIME?
Run around naked outside? Fire someone? Not finish the dishes every night? Get a babysitter more often? Publish that searingly beautiful article? Buy a sex toy? Delete some contacts? What is it for YOU? then, how can you get started?
Because you gotta get down with the truth about yourself.
And that shit can hurt.
I promise you, though, as someone who has spent 20 years in therapy cleaning out the buried boxes of the self - it is worth it.
Some lessons you may find useful:
a) The way forward, truly forward, is to do this gently with yourself. To practice self compassion and kindness, which we typically do not learn in our institutional and societal systems. The Artist’s Way is this kind of work, if you need the support. I have had to learn from scratch.
b) Remember our dear Mary Oliver (from my 1st ever monthly love letter!!): you do not have to be good to belong.
You do not have to be good
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles repenting.
You only need to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours
and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile, the world goes on.
— Wild Geese
You got this, we got this. But we only really move forward by finding and acknowledging the truth. It is always a relief, and you will always find your people as a result.
Setting myself free,
Colby
