Hello Love!
Happy September! I’m not sure what marking these months off means anymore. But we know with September usually comes the last of the slow days of summer, the return to school (in its strange COVID form(s)), the harvest, a crispness in the air.
Whatever September means or may bring: you’re doing great. You’re doing beautifully. If you are tired, please go rest. Read no further and know: you are loved.
For those of you with some energy, below you’ll find my research and practice on Nurturance from August, my birthday month and chunk of time I’ve spent focusing intentionally on nurturing myself since 2018, my first symptom-free month since my chronic illness onset in 2016. I had felt well simply by putting my own well-being first. I had finally done it - by nurturing myself with intention every single day. And after filling my own love cup, I could in turn be a more gracious, generous, and present partner, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, and stranger.
The more we do something, the more we strengthen new habits and behaviors. The more love we practice, the more loving we will become. Like everything, it is work. It is effort. But it is worth it.
My August practice goal was 3 nurturing (aka loving) acts per day, documented in my daily journal. In the spirit of keeping it simple and flexible, these acts were not prescribed but intuited. I decided moment to moment on how to love myself.
But this begs the question: how do we actually love ourselves?
What counts? How do we know the scope and what qualifies? What does nurturing even mean?
The answer lies in the word.
On the word Love
Who invented the word love?
-Margaret Atwood (Selected Poems II)
What does it mean?
The word Love means different things in different languages, cultures and communities. There can be multiple words for Love all with different meanings. If we peek deeper, the answer to this question gets more complex.
The language with perhaps the most meanings is Sanskrit with 267 words for love. A personal favorite is vanacchandatA: “belonging to the forest”. The Sanskrit word thought to be the origin of love in English is lubha: “to love, desire greatly, eager longing for, to become perplexed, crazy or disturbed” (lol - we cray).
In English there is the one word. It evolved from Middle English, from the Old English word lufu; similar to Old High German luba “love” (likely from the Sanskrit lubha), Old English lēof “dear”, and the Latin lubēre, libēre “to please”.
It is defined in Merriam Webster as:
Love (n): strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.
Love (v): to hold dear; to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for; to like or desire actively: take pleasure in.
Our English definitions emphasize feeling and self-orientation. They’re also highly vague, and suggest nothing as to how we should take pleasure, how we should treat our dears, how we should show the strong affection for our kin. There are no instructions, guidance, or examples to follow. Of course we’re confused!
According to Rabbi David Wolpe in the Times article We are Defining Love the Wrong Way:
Love should be seen not as a feeling but as an enacted emotion. To love is to feel and act lovingly.
This assessment is based on his experience in marriage and family counseling, and echoes bell hooks’ emphasis on action after her extensive research for All About Love:
The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet...we would all love better if we used it as a verb.
Love as action
Love is defined in All About Love as “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”
Since love is not only felt but acted upon and acted out, let’s focus on the verb in hooks’ definition: nurturing.
Definitions give us a place to start. When we ask how to love, when we wonder how to actually practice and strengthen this skill in our own lives, we can refer to what it means to nurture for guidance.
Nurture (v): to supply with nourishment; educate; to further the development of
Which begs further investigation on:
Nourishment (n): The food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.
Any time you are gifting yourself or another an emotional or physical substance (including knowledge) that promotes growth, health, and well-being, you are doing the loving. You are committing an act of Love.
The above definitions also help us understand why we extend this effort. Nurturing requires nourishment, and nourishment is inherently beneficial to health. So when we act in love, which is to choose nurturance and nourishment, we heal.
Love can literally heal us.
And that’s been my experience the past few years. It’s the reason I’ve launched this investigation in general. What if we could simply love ourselves to well?!
Love Offering
An invitation for nurturing action.
Keep it simple. I warmly welcome you to give yourself some solo space, play Meditations by Cory Wang & Jon Batiste, close your eyes, and just breathe.
How I’m Loving Lately
Actions that nurture myself and/or others towards spiritual growth.
Looking back at my (low stakes, high humor) tracker, my daily loving acts ran the gamut from “telling myself the truth” and “EVOO splurge” to “slow unpacking” and “spent the whole day naked”. Other favorites: simply “Kelly” (hi dear!), “kind at work”, “man yoga” and “delights pickup”.
I also noticed when nurturance tipped over into over-indulgence, like when the beautiful glass of red turned into a bottle-deep hangover and the night I ate so much homemade pizza I almost saw it again. No big deal, just good information on limits :)
What I learned most: loving is highly personal, ever-evolving, and imperfect. Actions can be itty bitty small or milestone-big. The key? Consistency.
So love yourself, and do it often. Any act promoting well-being counts.
How are you loving lately?
And in case you’re looking for content
Here are a few creations I’m loving and learning from lately:
I May Destroy You
Overcoming unconscious biases
Even during the pandemic, catcalling goes on. I refuse to be treated as an object (by my powerhouse artist bestie Mary Morgan!)
How the Pandemic Defeated America
The End of the Girlboss is Here
and on a lighter note: PEN15 (a must for all you ‘90s kids - 2nd season coming Sept 18!)
Finally, I am so appreciative of the kind words and support I’ve received already. This love letter is already pretty useless (as is all writing), but it is completely useless without a reader. A listener. A sharer and a change maker. You, my partner.
Thank you. Thank you from the deepest place in my heart for reading my work.
I’d love to read your thoughts below, and please consider sharing if you found this valuable!
Take care of yourselves my dears. Nurture yourselves, nourish others.
As Mary Oliver reminds us,
Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.
All love,
Colby